I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
