when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
