He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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