I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
