Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
