DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
