I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
