hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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