Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
