tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
