I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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