Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
