I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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