My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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