woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
