If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
