the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
