Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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