You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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