I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
