3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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