I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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