I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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