They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
