I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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