Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
