my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
