I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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