She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
So squirting runs in the family.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
