Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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