I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
