I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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