I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
So much Jack, so little girl.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Randomize
