I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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