Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.