The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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