i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
