i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
