We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
