my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
