I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
