separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
