P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
