Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
