The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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