i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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