just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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