the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
as a side note pls kill me
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