I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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