You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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