life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
