guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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