I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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