I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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