he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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