I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
