the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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